I'm really sorry you are having this problem. My brother is an addict too and has been in a very similar situation.
There is nothing you can do for your boyfriend. He has to want to stay clean and if he doesn't want to then you cannot help him. My mom and I tried to prop my brother up for 6 years and nothing helped. My brother was in and out of jail that entire time because he couldn't/didn't want to stay clean. In the last six months my brother has finally started to get his life together mostly because he hit rock bottom after my mom and I stopped helping him.
Don't let your boyfriend lie to you. If he does call him on it. Don't pretend that you don't know what's going. Pretending isn't going to help anyone. If he lives with you and you don't want to break up with him kick his druggy friends out if they come over. If you find drugs flush them down the toilet. Also you make want to consider joining Al-Anon. http://www.al-anon.org/
I hope this helps.What should i do with my relapsing boyfriend? how do you deal with an addict?
I was deeply in love with my ex, but no matter what I did he kept doing it, and it was killing me.
I know this isn't a answer your looking for but you shouldn't feel guilty, you need to let go.
It's like your also addicted Only to him.
tell him that if he truley loves you then he will make happy, which is being to control and stop his addiction problems, tell him if he doesnt then things will get tough and the relationship will be at edge if not done for
You, my dear, is his worst enemy. Cut him loose or you both sink. He needs to get his life, or not. As you say, he is sucking the life right out of you. Well, you are actually the cause of that happening. Get yourself into an Al-anon group.
dump him, youll be better off.
Okay first of all...
he needs to help you
no job no home here
second...
He needs to be cut off from you to realize what hes doing is making him push you away...obviously your relationship is deterierating if hes sleeping on the couch
third...
He needs help...possibly from a more private clinic than the AA and CA... something especially for him...
Tell him that he has _____ long to get his act straight get a job and take responsibility or you WILL leave him...no matter how much he begs...tell him you wont be with him until he straightens up and does what every other non freeloader has to do...WORK
im sorry if this is blunt but this is a giant issue for you...you feel unappreciated for your efforts and hes probably told you that you dont care or that he IS trying...who's paying for his midnight cocain sprees? him? not likely...lock up your money in a bank account and dont let him touch it...if hes going to hurt himself, dont feed him the poison...
I hope you help him find his way to a beautiful recovery and that your relationship will survive...you have strength and so does he, but dont allow him to hold you from your own glamour darling...
best wishes~
here is the problem, nothing you say or do is going to make him stop, he has to stop and change his lifestyle on his own. plain and simple.
addicts need to hit rock bottom before they wake up and realize what they have done. so if he is still using he will go to jail and maybe that will wake him up. bottom line if he does not want to stop or at least make an honest effort then you have to leave...you are right its going to suck the life out of you. I should know i did it to my ex. the more you keep taking him back the more he is going to say i can keep using she is just going to keep taking me back.
YOU can not change him if he is not really ready too. The more you try to help him and the more you enable him, the more he is going to hurt you and dissapoint you. You can always be there for him when he needs a shoulder, needs to clean up, and needs someone who loves him without having him wrecking your life. And honestly you are doing him more harm then good by finacially supporting him. You are just enabiling his ways. I had a relationship like yours. He is the father of my kid (talk about hard.). I wanted him to clean up so bad for me and his daughter but as much as i tried he just was not ready. As much as it hurt I decided to leave him. It was not long after that he went to jail. He had been using for 7yrs and when he came out of jail he was a new man. I guess he hit his bottom and from then on he turned his life around. I stayed his friend when he needed me and after he got his life back we tried a relationship again. I know how you feel. You think you should stay and help him. You feel like he would be a great guy if he straightened up. People might say if you really love him you wouldnt give up. Forget all that. What about you? When do you get to have a life again? A life without worry. Without cops and hospitals. That is no life. Just because you may choose to make your life better does not mean you have to give up on him. Tell him its for his own good. Why would he stop when he has you to support him. Tell him you will always love and be there for him and that if he gets his life on track again you would love to try again. After he gets clean he will think of you and he will want a better life for both of you. He wont blame you for wanting a life. He may get clean, stay clean, and build a better life but only he has the power to do it. He has will not to get clean too. Do you really want another 2,3,4 years of that crap?
You've got to dump him and move on. Sorry to be so harsh, but he will not only self-destruct, he will destroy you too. He's not going to recover until it hits him. You leaving him could actually help him realize that.
You'd better leave him out right, but if you can't, leave him now and put conditions on your return. Tell him you'll date again in 6 months, at scheduled times, if he can stay clean and sober, if he does not lie, etc.
If he can't do that and you can't leave, then don't come here asking what to do, because you don't have what it takes to do it.
I think its time for a little tough love. Tell him you love and you don't want him to go to jail. But you can not continue to see him like this using drugs and alcoholic. Its either he gets clean or your gone. You have to be strong about this. You can not be responsible or condone his behavior anymore. Its effecting you and not in a good way. You deserve a boyfriend who is clean and sober. You deserve not to feel guilty or bad because he can not get his act together. And do not take him back, sometimes when people are faced with not having their safety net there to pick them up. It forces them to pick themselves up.
Did you know there are AA meetings for people like you?
They will help you help him better than anything you can find. I was like him too, and now I have been married for 6 years, I have a 1year old and a 3 year old, a loving wife who deserves to be loved back just like she did when we first met. She saved my life too.
Go to a meeting twice a week and help him change by learning how, without the help they give you, you will not do the right thing for you and for him. But if you go to AA and ask for help there you will learn what to do, what to say, and if you really love him GO NOW..
your first 30 days you need to go to 30 meetings. Go girl
he is not going to learn from you because your weakness is his strength, your his crutch. Try allowing him to see you improve your life and therefore he might want to be apart of it... but until you improve your life he may see you as part of the problem..which you admitted you are because you are his pillow for him to cry on...he needs to succeed but he cant because you allow him the comfort of not hitting rock bottom....
Been there done that, 14 years! You can love someone with all your heart, but if they live their life where you are the provider, you need to go to aa or na meetings, and see if you want to live that way for the rest of your life.Sometimes love isn't enough. As a member, spouse of a drug abuser, I enabled my husband to continue his own abuse, out of love for him. He lost everything,because I learned the steps, because I was Strong to take the first step out of 12, but he gained it back, because he loved me and his kids more then drugs, he took the steps with me and that's rare!
As hard as it sounds...
You need to cut him loose. Its going to hurt more than anything.
But your letting him ruin your life, even if you love him, if he really loved you enough he wouldn't hurt you and deprive you of what you want in life.
He probably loves you too, and thats what makes it so hard.
Ive had girlfriends before that had substance abuse problems, I always thought I could ';rescue them'; or something. It just seemed like if they lived with me, and I could protect them and care for them, then I could ';fix them';.
Fixing people never works, it just doesn't, they have to do it on their own, they just tell you what you want to hear, just to get through it.
They dont mean to hurt you, they just cant help it. I tried to be the ';white knight'; for a long time, I have money, Im a big guy, strong, physically attractive. It just doesn't matter.
It never works, and its just the most heartbreaking thing ever to get attached to someone and just watch them destroy themselves and everything you love.
Ive tried everything. Sometimes you just have to let them go. Sorry you have to deal with this, its quite possibly the worst thing ever.
If you cut him loose and he wants you back bad enough, he will fix his life and stay fixed. Then eventually you MIGHT be able to take him back.
Most can get cleaned up for a while, long enough to get back the person they want, but they cant make it last, they just fall back into old habits.
Find a new guy, a good guy, forget about your old guy, have nothing to do with him, dont even talk to him.
Its whats best for him in the long run, your his crutch and you have to pull it away or hes going to ruin himself.
I have had a friend who is exactly the way your boyfriend is .Doesn't matter if he is in a butt load of trouble he doesn't want to stop doing drugs and neither did my friend.I know it will be hard for you but you need to let him go hun.You need to focus on you and your needs .He is way too much to handle for you.Love yourself enough to let go of something that you know in your heart isn't good for.You don't need to feel guilty ,you have given him plenty of chances and he hasn't made an effort to change because he isn't ready to change.You will be making the right choice for you by letting him go.
We all want the ones we love to have a good quality life ,but we can want all that we want for them but they have to decide if they want the same things that we want for them.He has been on the path of destruction for a long time now sweetie.If you keep him around your eventually going to go down with him.Do you want to end up in trouble as well ? Because that is where it will all boil down to .You can get in just as much trouble as he does just by being with him.Don't let someone help you throw your life away.I was friend with my best friend for 10 years and for 10 years my life was nothing but drama because of her.I loved her very much ,but she has a problem .I still love her til this day but I let her go.I told her that if she can't sober up and get help then I didn't want her to come around any more.I gave her many chances and let her come back many times in my life but this time I can't do it anymore.I have went to her meetings with her .I even went with her as she sought professional counceling and she still didn't change.You can't save people as much as you would love to .Please just let him go for now.You never know he could change after you completely stop letting him back into your life but until he does completely change you have to let him go no matter how much it hurts.
continue to be supportive if you truly love them
Talk to him.
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