Monday, August 16, 2010

How have you men dealt with knowing your wife/girl friend has been raped?

In the past my girl friend has been raped. Each day I'm not around her I fear that something like that may happen again. Whenever I hear the word ';rape'; I tense up and I get incredibly angry. Paranoia has kind of taken hold a bit and it effects my sleep. I would kill a rapist without a second thought, particularly my girl friends... That's how I feel. I know a lot of people say I should get help from psychologist or whatever but I want to know if there are any men out there who've dealt with this themself? What have you done? How do you deal with it? I don't know why but rape has always hit a chord and what happened was actually my greatest fear. So I'm thrown for a loop... Especially since I know he's still out there living his life regularly because we don't have enough evidence to convict. This happened a year and a half ago, I found out several months ago. My girl friend won't tell me what he looks like or anything like that so I don't do anything to go after him.How have you men dealt with knowing your wife/girl friend has been raped?
My best friend was raped by her dad when she was a kid and repressed it for ten years, by the time she realized it there was no evidence to convict him of the rape. My friend is dealing with it every day and has a boyfriend, but if he was reacting the same way as you, she would have a burden. I think instead of showing you anger about it all the time you should be there for her and help her deal with it, because she was the victim. She is trying to ease your burden of knowing what happened to her, and you should be the one easing the pain. I know you mean nothing bad, but she needs you to be there consoling her not making her feel more anxious. Even if you are angry inside and sickened by it, she doesn't need someone to inflame the problem.





It's good that you are worried and feel for her, but you need to put your anger about it on side for her. If you can't do it only then you need to really find a therapist to help you along. You can't make your anger a burden on your girlfriend.





**Response to your additional information


I'm glad that you are trying to put your emotions on the side and that it is hard. My best friend sees a therapist whenever she has problems dealing with it, to keep her emotions in control so she can cope and the one thing she told me after talking to her therapist was ';If you think it's something you get over that's wrong, it's something that you live with everyday. The thing is...if you learn to cope you won't let it be a burden';. If things are that bad for you, and you are having trouble coping with it, you really should see a therapist...people think it's a bad thing or for mental people, but you are trying to throw all the things that happened into the back of your mind and trying to ignore the anger you feel...if you see a therapist you can get all that anger out and you can learn to cope, just like your girlfriend is coping with it now. I think it's great that you aren't hiding all the pain in denial, just work out the emotions and you'll be your girlfriends strength. (I hope this all doesn't sound cheesy or tacky, but that is honestly my opinion)





Hope I helped.How have you men dealt with knowing your wife/girl friend has been raped?
I was lamost raped while I was active duty in Korea, my husband, who was also active duty , who got stuck with the kids at home, handeled the situation badly. the phones stopped working and he never fixed the phone. I was cut off from him and my kids until the end of my tour (we did not have a computer so no internet at the time). He did finally call me at work, but when he wanted to talk to me. I thought he was blaming the victim, and it took me years later to realize that he couldn't handel the fact that he couldn't protect me, so my advise is to be there for her at all cost. Be open with her. Communication is vital, so she does not misunderstand you, like I did my husband. We got counseling, but all we did in the counseling session was forgive each other, it never came out that he felt he could not protect me, I had to figure that out myself. In my case, it was my word against the guy. The guy was told never to work in Korea as a civilina again, but he can work in the states, so maybe he will not be so bold next time.
Unlike a lot of people, I know what your going through. My ex-girlfriend was raped while we were togeather by a good friend of mine. I know the anger, the fear, the disust. The worse thing is closing your eyes and seeing it happen, it litterally makes you sick to your stomach. And I did go after the kid, and eventually got the cops called on me for harassment; go figure. I think its a mistake for this to control your lives, like being more strict, and have more rules. I know its hard but you cant let it effect your whole life. At some point you've got to try and move above it. I know thats hard, but you cant let it destroy you. Think about it, what kind of justice would that be. The guy gets no punishment, and you two are living your lives in constant fear/anger. You cant change what happened, and you cant change the fact that in this life he's not going to get his judgement. But you can change how your effected by it. I remember I was on a date with a girl a few months ago, and I was driving and a little lost on the country roads and she said something like ';I hope your not taking me to a feild to rape me';, in a joking sense. And it really bothered me that she would joke about rape. So that chord thats struck when people talk about it will never go away. All I can suggest is to be eachothers support system. Dont let it run your life. Talk about it if you can, hold her, let her know that she's safe with you. In the end, thats all YOU can do.
I'm glad you care so much about your girlfriend..she's lucky to have someone who stands up for her. One thing you may want to consider though, is focusing more on her feelings than on your own. You have every right to be angry, and you should be! But she needs your support and love more than anything else. She needs to heal. Rape is a terrible thing (believe me, I know all too well), but if you can't convict the guy, the only thing to do is to move on. You can't change the past, but you CAN help your girlfriend through the trauma she has been through, and is going through. Be gentle, listen to her when she needs to talk...just understand. But I'm sure that at this point, she'd rather put this behind her than have any more drama involving this guy..so my advice is you'd be better off just trying to focus on her than on revenge. (trust me, he deserves that and more, but unfortunately at this point, it's not going to do anything but cause her more pain having to deal with drama with this guy). I wish you the best of luck....rape is a terrible thing. I'm so happy that your girlfriend is ok, and that she's now with a man who cares so much. You sound like the best thing that could have happened to her. Now, just be there for her...my prayers are with you both.





Oh and just a few tips for safety..whenever I go out alone, I'm NEVER without my cell phone, and if I'm anywhere that's a little deserted, or at night, or see someone suspicious, I immediately put the phone up to my ear and start talking. That definitely discourages potential rapists. Also, when I go to stores or anything like that late at night, I always ask for someone to walk with me out to my car. Sometimes I feel like a wuss doing it, but you know what? It's much better to be safe than sorry.





Hope this helps..take care.
I am very sorry that u and ur g/f had to go through this. It is horrible.





I am very strict with my wife, due to the fear of something like that happening. I cant be with her 24/7, but when she goes to work, she takes busses. So, I make sure she is not wearing anything provocative, even too much make up. I know that rapist dont only look for women who dress and look nice. But, when I am outside, I see that the women who dress that way, get more attention then those who don't.





I make her callme on her cell, when she gets to work. If she it takes her a while to call, I start to get nervous.lol





Our neighborhood, is not too nice, but regardless, rapes happen everywhere.





If it happend to my wife, I would be just like you, wanting to beat his ***. So, I cant tell u not to be angry. All I can say is be thankful, that ur lady, is still alive, and ur able to hold her and be with her. U can't be with her 24/7.,so make sure she has mase, or some kind of weapon, and of course a cell phone.





Believe it or not, one time, some one was actually following me home, and I took out my cell phone, and acted like I was talking really loud '; Ima on my way home, Im on this street blah blah';, and when I did that he stopped and turned around.





I tell my wife to do the same. She even has 911 on speed dial.





If u go to church, I would suggest talking to a Pastor. If not, I do agree with others, to talk to a psychologist.





What happend will never erase. But, by taking the right precautions, and being thankful, that nothing worse happend, the both of u will beat this. Things like that take time. A year and a half, is not long ago. So, what you are experiencing is normal.





I wish I could have been of more help. But, I wish u both the best and God bless.

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